February 17, Menlo Park, CA: The effects of race dynamics on my life are difficult for me to discuss. Not because they are esoteric or even hard to characterize. Its mostly because I fear being hurt during the conversation. Certain conditions need to be met for me to feel comfortable discussing it. Past experiences have shown me that when that isn't the case, the potential to be hurt is so great because the conversation requires incredible amounts of vulnerability. One of the things that makes it easier is when the conversation companion has had similar experiences around race. Living where I do, that's not the easiest criteria to fill. But when you can find the right someone, it can be a very healthy release. On the other hand, I feel myself sharing their pain. Or maybe I am just reliving similar hurtful experiences of my past. And I get hot. Literally. Physically. But its still always worth the conversation when you feel supported.
I also can't imagine the world attributing a different racial identity to me than I assume for myself. It seems like it would be...complicated. At best. But then again, when I explain to some friends some of the things that have happened to me, they often tell me the wouldn't have ever imagined and wonder how I avoid being constantly discouraged. Well, all the world isn't bad, textbook ignorance isn't a crime, and I know lots of good people. And like that person whom the world identifies differently than they see themselves, racial considerations are just part of the fabric of my life. Except when they're more than that.