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June 8, San Mateo, CA: I had an interesting chat with a friend today. She was telling me how happy she was to be dating a new guy that she is really excited about. She is a fantastic person, and I was so happy for her. And then I became really emotional. What popped into my mind was the thought of someday being as selflessly happy for my ex when she finds the same happiness with a partner. I was surprised by how emotional I became when I thought about it.
I think I am approaching that point in the relationship where I have started to not work as hard in the past...the point at which the actual work really starts to take place. Characterized by seeking attention from elsewhere, not sharing nearly as much, walling myself off, compartmentalizing what I do and with whom I communicate. Being scared and not saying so. I guess as I think back, I didn't even see those things happening at the time. No, that's not true. Some of them I didn't see. Others I just rationalized and kidded myself into thinking it would all be fine. But its like being in debt. It just snowballs the longer you don't address it.
