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Starting September 27, 2008: one photo per day accompanied by prevailing thoughts, moods, or feelings on that day.

August 25, San Mateo, CA: "Todays fears become tomorrow's limitations." That's a quote from a journal of mine that I found while cleaning up tonight. I wrote it while traveling a few years back. At the time, I was recently out of a relationship and pretty much licking my wounds. Actually, when I picked up the journal and opened it, the first name I saw was that of my most recent ex. I closed it pretty quickly, but later decided that I wanted to see how my mind worked back then when I was talking to myself. Well, there wasn't so much accountability and there was plenty of victimization. I didn't have much to say about my own limitations in relationships, even though I knew that they existed at the time. Its kind of strange how much I lied to myself compared to how much public openness is possible now. I was never very good at keeping a journal, so I only lasted about 5 days before my trip usurped reflection as top priority. The next entries are from about 18 months ago. Again, I was fresh out of a relationship. But what I wrote about then was still focused on so many of the wrong things (much easier to say in retrospect, I'd imagine). I *was* asking myself some good questions about the kind of person I wanted to be, because I had been horrible in that relationship. I wrote down things like Honest, Trustworthy, Focused...mostly because those were the things I wasn't. But what I wasn't completely willing to do was be honest with myself and the people around me. Even when I went to counseling, I held back...a sure sign that I was physically in the right place but hadn't mentally arrived. I wrote about the sources of my self worth. At the time I saw them as academic and professional achievement, intelligence, fitness, and being known and liked by many, "even if I don't return the sentiment." I actually wrote that. So you could argue that all of those things have nothing to do with how you treat someone. They are all about how you are perceived through a sheet of glass, independent of how you interact with the people in you life. When I read that list, it seems really ugly to me. Self-serving, selfish, and inconsiderate. In one of the last emails I sent my ex, I referred to the fact that I had used honesty as a last resort. That's one of the most accurate accounts of how I handled our relationship. And others. So when it came down to it, I think that I really only wanted to be SEEN as Honest, Trustworthy, and Focused. I wasn't ready to actually BE those things. Man, life sure has a way...<br />
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And I guess a fair question at this point would be how do I know that I'm not still focused on the wrong things? I guess I don't, really. But at least being open to letting people who care see whats really going on with me, what I'm afraid of, what I value, and not telling myself (as many) lies...makes it possible to be open to adjusting when I need to. I'd probably amend my quote to say that "Today's unacknowledged fears become tomorrow's limitations."

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August 25, San Mateo, CA: "Todays fears become tomorrow's limitations." That's a quote from a journal of mine that I found while cleaning up tonight. I wrote it while traveling a few years back. At the time, I was recently out of a relationship and pretty much licking my wounds. Actually, when I picked up the journal and opened it, the first name I saw was that of my most recent ex. I closed it pretty quickly, but later decided that I wanted to see how my mind worked back then when I was talking to myself. Well, there wasn't so much accountability and there was plenty of victimization. I didn't have much to say about my own limitations in relationships, even though I knew that they existed at the time. Its kind of strange how much I lied to myself compared to how much public openness is possible now. I was never very good at keeping a journal, so I only lasted about 5 days before my trip usurped reflection as top priority. The next entries are from about 18 months ago. Again, I was fresh out of a relationship. But what I wrote about then was still focused on so many of the wrong things (much easier to say in retrospect, I'd imagine). I *was* asking myself some good questions about the kind of person I wanted to be, because I had been horrible in that relationship. I wrote down things like Honest, Trustworthy, Focused...mostly because those were the things I wasn't. But what I wasn't completely willing to do was be honest with myself and the people around me. Even when I went to counseling, I held back...a sure sign that I was physically in the right place but hadn't mentally arrived. I wrote about the sources of my self worth. At the time I saw them as academic and professional achievement, intelligence, fitness, and being known and liked by many, "even if I don't return the sentiment." I actually wrote that. So you could argue that all of those things have nothing to do with how you treat someone. They are all about how you are perceived through a sheet of glass, independent of how you interact with the people in you life. When I read that list, it seems really ugly to me. Self-serving, selfish, and inconsiderate. In one of the last emails I sent my ex, I referred to the fact that I had used honesty as a last resort. That's one of the most accurate accounts of how I handled our relationship. And others. So when it came down to it, I think that I really only wanted to be SEEN as Honest, Trustworthy, and Focused. I wasn't ready to actually BE those things. Man, life sure has a way...

And I guess a fair question at this point would be how do I know that I'm not still focused on the wrong things? I guess I don't, really. But at least being open to letting people who care see whats really going on with me, what I'm afraid of, what I value, and not telling myself (as many) lies...makes it possible to be open to adjusting when I need to. I'd probably amend my quote to say that "Today's unacknowledged fears become tomorrow's limitations."