September 19, San Mateo, CA: I've never really needed to take this much time to think about what I wanted to say, how much I wanted to share, or how I wanted to say it. In part because something so personal happened. In part because I still have no idea how I'd like to handle it. Like most of life, I guess, it didn't resolve itself in the space of the day. I can remember being this upset only a couple of tomes in the past. My trust was blatantly violated today. In some ways it's a matter of the shoe being on the other foot. I know what it feels like to not be trusted. And I know what it feels like to be untrustworthy. I have been both in many other situations. But it hurt a lot. Especially because I know that it was done by someone who knew how personally I would take it.
I will not pretend that I didn't lay the groundwork for doubt and suspicion. I have broken trusts before and been caught or admitted doing so. But I also know that I thought I was on relatively solid ground. I was told I was on completely solid ground. And I have been doing the things to keep from ending up in those places again. I am angry. And I don't have the words to say how much. But I'm also scared by this. Certain relationships, including this one, cannot function without trust. Sadly enough, I understand how to tell when I'm not trusted. And when I'm not trusting. And I think they often come as a matching pair. This feels like a textbook illustration of the saying "if you can't trust, you can't be trusted."
Another thing that worries me are some of the blinders I have on regarding watching out for negative influences. I'm thankful that I've been focused enough to not have been derailed or distracted, but I'm not living my ideals. Much better than what I've done in the past, but not quite there, and a lot of it is because of subconscious things I'm doing. That feels worrisome.
One of the bright sides to all this...maybe the only one...is how I've reacted. It seems like another one of those times when you have a chance to see how close you are to being the person you'd like to be. Even though I did not expect this, I felt the need to prepare myself so that my reaction was not extreme. Thinking about it before it happened helped. I didn't raise my voice or yell. I never got defensive (probably because, unlike so many times in the past, I had no feelings of guilt). I spent some time thinking about all the ways that I could torture someone and the relationship because of this. I'd be good at that based on past experience. From asserting my "right" to do things that make someone uncomfortable to outright abuses that might feel justified, moving forward without truly getting past this feels like the worst possible outcome. It also makes me consider my capacity to forgive, all the people who have been able to forgive me over the years, and the burden of not letting go. I don't have much good practice at forgiveness, and I don't think that I am very good at it in general. Right now I am trying to be very careful to not create suffering via silence or alienation. And I don't want another person to feel like they cant share negative feelings with me even if I am angry at them. I'm glad I am thinking about all this. But I feel like I am just at the beginning of trying to sort it all out. And even after all that, there is the very real issue of whether or how to proceed in a trust vacuum.
I suspect that what was done was not done maliciously, but I do want to know whether this was part of some self-inflicted test or a quest for an exit. Because of all this, my trust has wavered...that may be an understatement. So...I need to move past the anger before trying to figure out how likely it is that the general trust issues can be resolved. I guess it's pretty easy to live with the understanding that you aren't trusted when you know you shouldn't be. But this feels much harder to roll with.