December 18, Deale, MD: Mom has beads everywhere. Cause she makes jewelry. And scarves. And draperies. And bowties. When we were young, she had stickpins everywhere; she sewed constantly. The beads hurt much less. Seeing all the raw materials of my moms creativity reminds me how much she has influenced me. She has been creating my whole life, and my lust to create comes squarely from her. Last night, when I walked in the door, one of her first questions was, "Do you have soap?" "Don't YOU have soap here?" "Yeah, I just made some." Of course you did; and she gave me a bar of her latest batch.
Very excited about the fact that my nephew has asked for a camera for Christmas. I hope I can take him out for a practice shoot while I'm here.
I'm also thinking a lot about owning choices. People close to me have suffered because I have been perennially unable to close doors, commit, and focus on what is in front of me. This has been especially problematic in relationships. I have always wanted to not "be backed into a corner" or "forced into a decision," but the quality of my level of dedication has been awful in those instances. And the evidence is strewn across my adult years like a junkyard. As much as I feel like I am still preparing myself for the next steps, I do feel like I am gaining clarity on what I want them to be. And taking steps to own what I want. Its so empowering. I've held on to so many ways of being that, once released, seem like such heavy weights to have been lugging around. So I am formulating plans for the future. But what are plans? I think they aren't necessarily tailor made for charting paths to your goals. Or maybe they shouldn't be. Because life has a way of changing them. Constantly. But plans are great tools for reflection, prioritization, and taking stock. So I am planning.