April 4, San Francisco City Hall: These past two days have been as emotionally overwhelming as they come (for me, at least). For someone who's been completely accustomed to separating the people and parts of my life, the last 36 hours have provided all kinds of opportunities to feel outside my comfort zone. Having my mother, my girlfriend, and friends from as far back as 1992 in the same room....oh, and my current boss...and my former boss' boss...felt a bit surreal. I am so thankful for the kind words that were shared and all the support that was offered. I have struggled in the past with mixing people from different parts of my life. I think that's because I had ideas of how I wanted to be seen by each of them...instead of just showing them me. It was a lot to manage.
Today, I went to an amazingly magical wedding between two people who look to me like a perfect example of true love for one another. It was incredible. But I also had some emotions come up because of the fact that someone whom I had hurt so badly was also there. Its very easy to start going back down the path of beating yourself up, and I felt myself starting to do that a couple of times. Maybe that's what's going on as I write about it, but I am not sure I have better ways to get it out and cope yet. I am happy that I was able to remember, for the most part, that this day was about the couple being wed and really had nothing to do with anything I might be feeling about the mistakes I've made. Things went much better than in September, when I had what I can only describe as a breakdown that, in subsequent weeks, became a meltdown. I am thankful to have experienced a beautiful wedding between two beautiful people and to have had another opportunity to check in with myself. The emotional roller coaster of the past two days has left me completely spent. I don't want to do a single thing tomorrow.