May 20, Palo Alto, CA: Good God. The day was moving along just fine. Then I was told about my ex spending time with a friend of mine. That was it. Nothing more. And I went haywire. At least my mind did. I had a definite emotional reaction. Part of it was because of my friend and part of it was me wondering how things could have been different with her knowing what I know now. Its a cruel path for my mind to go down. I should say it s a cruel thing to do to myself. I like myself more because of what happened between us, along with what has happened since. Its back to romanticizing and idealizing the past. So I had to talk to my girlfriend about it immediately. I knew she would also have a reaction to my own response. But its much better for us to talk all these things through.
She made a great point. My friends an I maintain close associations with one another's exes all the time, myself included. And for some reason so many of us act like we should be fine and ok with that, regardless of whether we have moved on or not. But the reality is that I don't have any switches to shut of any emotions. I am still progressing toward a time when I won't have a reaction...or at least that reaction will lessen with time...it already has. So while I do often feel guilty when I think about the past because I feel like it undermines what IS (and sometimes compares it to what NEVER WAS), its OK to feel something. Actually, its human. And its ok to expect your friends to help take care of you because you do sometimes react. I'm definitely rethinking my approach to all this as a result. And I am also really thankful for her perspective and understanding. Not long ago, I really never would have though I could share something like this so quickly and honestly. I would have talked myself out of saying anything at all.