March 30, San Mateo: I had a restless night and a relatively unnerving weekend. When my mom asked me what was wrong this morning, I kind of brushed it off. It was clear to her that soemthing was off, but I hadnt figured it out yet, I think. Soon...very soon..I will be confronting some of the past. Not just in my mind. And not the good parts. Its nobody else's fault. Just how life works sometimes. Circumstances. And I have been anxious about that. Very anxious. I was reminded that the last time I was in this position it was "very bad." And the result was this journal. Time does its thing, and I think its been on the job. But it doesn't stop me from being a little scared. I think this is just one of those times where life is letting me check in and chart a little progress (I'm on the hunt for the half-full). Mr Tickner, my junior year English teacher, used to call every pop quiz an "opportunity." I don't think there's any cramming for this one, but I've confronted the past before (on select occasions) and am far better off because of it.
I am also thinking about how coldly and readily I structured my life last year to distance myself from situations that I didn't want to confront. I literally jumped at the opportunity to do so. To walk away from something that was pretty good in some respects to....pretty much so that I could keep running from myself. Some logic. I am very happy where I ended up, but I don't think I had, until this weekend, given serious thought to how completely I sought to make things easy on me at the expense of others.