July 22, SFO: I wonder if I could get away with flying in my pajamas. Today I was thinking about how some of my relationships with my friends have evolved. A lot of them have had kids, and I really like the fact that I get as excited about seeing and interacting with the kids as I do the friends/parents. It wasn't always that way at all. Learning to embrace their kids has helped my be more willing to show a little more sensitivity and compassion. To read to them. To play with them and listen to their stories. And even watch them sing along to The Sound of Music (which I personally cannot stand, so a camera needs to be in my hands to keep me from running out the door). I used to be so self-conscious about having other people see me be vulnerable because I liked someone, or because I was being sensitive. I think it was relatively easy to do in isolation or 1:1, but I always felt scrutinized when other people were around...is that how I want to say it....hmm. I think I felt like people might see it as a weakness. I have to put some more thought into that. I remember never wanting my parents to know that I liked a girl when I was in grade school, so I never mentioned any to them. But I also remember much more recent times, when I have not been as affectionate or caring as someone I care about would like. Maybe ti was because other people were around. Maybe its because I sometimes have a hard time doing the simple things that I know would make someone happy. My thoughts on all this are pretty jumbled. I just know that it hasn't felt easy to separate the people surrounding from the person I am interacting with...and it hasn't felt easy to do the thing that someone else wants me to just because they want it...even when I love them. Kids don't really judge until they're taught to. So maybe hanging out with my friends 2 year olds is great practice for me. I feel them impacting all that anxiety about hiding parts of me. Even if they aren't my own.