October 21, 2016. I woke up this morning to a real text message from United telling me about a seat change for a flight to Chicago. I had gotten something from them telling me to check in for a flight yesterday. It was for Serene’s flight to Chicago for NU homecoming. I hate getting shit like that. I hadn’t received any such notifications from United about her flights in the past 18 months, so I don’t know why this one came through. And now that I am sitting here thinking about it, my mind is telling me a story about it being because she is booked on an itinerary with another person. I assume its her boyfriend.
I think a big part of what bothers me is that people will be wondering what happened to me. I think I am a bit worried about what people will think of me because we are no longer together. Ego seems to be at least a part of what I am struggling with. I find myself picturing people like Craig Garrett asking questions about (maybe just to himself) about what my problem was. I am telling myself a story that everyone else is telling themselves a story about me and my deficiencies.
When I type it all out it sounds implausible and ridiculous. But it definitely feels like something that could very well be the case. At least emotionally. To the extent that ego is a part of this, I can’t blame anyone else for that. Of course it isnt a legitimate reason to be upset at her or anyone else. I feel so abandoned right now. Completely left behind.
Over the past few days a couple of people have tagged me on social media. I have felt the strong urge to break my pact to myself and torture myself by going to find out what is going on in her life. Happiness. Thats what the fuck is going on. And even if it isn’t, thats what social media would depict. I wouldn’t be doing anyone any favors to be twisting the knife and confining what I already know.